The Power of Taking Responsibility for Our Emotions
Fill in the blanks below:
If (_______) would only (_______) I would feel (_______)
So many people struggle with this, even if it is in some smaller subtle way, but it can be such a powerful experience to own our own emotions!
The good news!! – If it’s your responsibility, you’re fully in control of changing it.
The bad news!! – It may be painful, may require a change in life circumstances.
Resentment – the number 1 (sometimes Justified) way we create our own misery.
I have been doing some form of transformative work for many years, I remember about 10+ years ago I was working with a life coach and she had said to me I want you to write this down.
If I resent anyone, or anything I am wrong
The Extreme
Looking back now I know it was because all I would do was show up and moan about how my life was a reflection of the circumstances around me.
- How if only my gf would love me how I wanted to be loved
- How if only my friends would be reliable and show up I would feel connected
- How if only work would only recognise my value in the way I wanted I would feel seen
- How if only I could find the right diet I would get ‘the’ relationship and feel loved
So if all these circumstances came right I would be happy and have the relationship I wanted. Every area of my life was infiltrated with this delusion about what I needed in order to experience the emotions I thought I wanted.
I truly believed that if only other people would do what I wanted I would be happy, I was very much unhappy at that time going through various forms of struggles around health wealth and relationships. I was very bitter and would say borderline depressed, I picked up a new resentment every time I went out!
I had no conscious awareness that happiness value connection were all inside of me and that was the only place they were!
As a result of this, I had built my world around not having much to do with people, after all I hated people! They were all wrong! idiots and full of shit, why would I want to go out, you know the type of person who loves to moan about absolutely everything and after talking to them for 30 seconds you can’t wait to get away right? We all know someone like this!
I did online shopping, online dating, worked online, connected with people online, had arguments on social sites of any type I could, I built a gym at home so I didn’t even have to go out, after the people who left the machines as a mess were affecting my time in the gym right? 😉
This is not a great way to live, actually, it’s a miserable way to live, the last thing you could have told me when I was in this extreme was that I was the creator of my own misery!
One day my coach said to me:
Taking resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die
She went on to explain that all resentment is TAKEN not given. This sat with me for a while and I reflected on it. You just never know when you will have or give an insight to someone, this really hit home. What I realised was that my thoughts about people created this misery, and were the root of all this craziness and the way I was living.
So many things started flooding into my mind where I had created this situation. When you really get this, it creates some big realisations and brings some questions:
- Relief!! – like a real sensation of letting the weight of the world off your shoulders, you no longer have to carry that shit around.
- Fear / Uncertainty – Fuck what do I do now? Who am I? What do I do now I can no longer blame everyone else?
- Excitement – What’s possible in the world for me today?
The Middle of the Road
At this point in your life things may get better, but it will be lots of deep reflection and some real deep inner work. You see this realisation takes away one of the pillars that holds people up and keeps them justified in their way of being.
It also gives a new perspective on life. So, it can be wobbly ground, scary, full of wonder and excitement as well as questioning yourself. Looking at your relationships, friendships, working life from a new perspective.
So, it is a point of transformation, with real growth on the other side. I tend to find that people I have worked with stop the most obvious versions of the being a victim of circumstances stories, but they still exist subtly still creating misery where the resentments seem justified. Life coaching is about seeing beyond the objective world.
This is where working with an insightful coach can still see where this plays out in your life, not buying into the bullshit you are telling yourself and standing for you to step into your true greatness.
The Freedom – Really taking responsibility
After many painful realisations, where I live today but with at times still the delusion that some subtle things are creators of my feelings! They are much subtler and at first appear very real, but I realise they are just a creation of my thoughts. Sometimes with the help of others! We all have a blind spot me too.
This is where people show up, like really show up, they tend to speak from the “I feel” perspective, rather than the “you need to” place.
They take responsibility for their experiences of life, interact with others with reflections and look inwardly for the answers to everything. You may have noticed this is not a permanent state of being, we are all susceptible to slipping back into the old learned beliefs about how people should please us.
This is pretty normal as its took years to create the place we are at when we embark on this journey of realisation. Everyone has to start somewhere.
You see for me today it is a journey of deep knowing, that I was born with innate mental health, and I spent a lifetime getting away from that, the delusion that I need to get something from outside of myself to be happy is crazy as I born with everything I need. Many people can get this on an intellectual level. The key question to ask yourself when you are triggered –
“Where am I affected by this, what is threatened in me” it maybe a belief or value, or fear – check it out.
Honesty with yourself is the first step to change, wherever you are, its ok, there is an answer.
Where does it look real to you that if the below was true, you would be happy:
If (_______) would only (_______) I would feel (_______)
#tip
Look at anything that annoys you – there will be a flavour of it in there. Reach out to me if you need some help with that.
PPS 1 last look at how this may show up if you feel this isn’t for you
I believe/am like this because – (insert event / situation / trauma) talking about experiences in the past that justify our positions of today.
I don’t like – (insert person) because they (insert behaviour) remembering love and innate mental health is at the core of our being every time.
Certified Transformative Coach with 25 years of experience helping people live a better life.
