9 Ways to Set Boundaries for Being Friends with an Ex

Breaking up is never easy, especially if there was a time you saw the other person as ‘the one.’ While some people choose to go their separate ways without staying in touch, others may not have the option. If you’re in a position where you can’t avoid them, like sharing children or being co-workers, things can get a little awkward. If you were in a romantic relationship for a long time, have mutual friends, or are going to continue seeing each other, you might as well stay friends.

Of course, staying friends with an ex isn’t the same as being friends with someone else. Because this is someone you’ve had a past relationship with, you’ll want to set clear boundaries. Doing so has plenty of advantages for both your mental health while building a platonic relationship.

Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

Let’s start by asking the simple question: can you be friends with an ex? Yes, it’s possible to have a platonic relationship with a former partner.

However, the answer as to whether you should be friends with your ex can depend on your circumstances. That’s because each person’s relationship has different circumstances, so for some, it may be a bad idea, and sometimes, it just takes a little time to heal.

Generally, it’s not recommended that you become friends if:

• There was a history of physical or emotional abuse

• You feel jealous now that they have a new partner

• You have unresolved feelings for them and hope to get back together.

Of course, the duration and intensity of your relationship also play a role, along with whether the breakup was mutual or one-sided.

It’s easier to be friends with an ex if you dated briefly and don’t need to do a lot of work to disentangle your life. But just as it’s harder to break up if you’ve dated a long time and/or have lived together, staying friends can be much more difficult.

Reasons You May Want To Stay Friends With An Ex

After a breakup, it’s natural to be overwhelmed with intense emotions. For instance, you may want to avoid seeing them if they initiated the breakup. But if you suggested breaking up, you may feel uncomfortable seeing them, especially if you’ve started a new relationship. Even so, certain situations require that you have an amicable relationship, such as:

Having Mutual Friends:

Being at odds with each other can make things much more difficult for everyone else involved. If you want to maintain healthy relationships with the rest of your friends, it’s best to resolve potential tensions and conflicts.

Having Kids Together:

When you have kids, you’ll be spending time together at recitals, football games, and parent-teacher conferences – whether you like it or not. So, you might as well put aside your old feelings to create a stable family environment for your kids.

Being Co-workers:

If you and your ex partner work at the same place, it’s impossible to have no contact. In this case, maintaining friendly terms can prevent conflict in the workplace.

Having The Same Hobbies:

When you and a former partner have similar hobbies and used to participate in them together, you’re bound to run into each other later on. To avoid feeling awkward, it may be best to stay friends.

You Started Out As Friends:

When ex-partners were friends before they started dating, they’re more likely to stay friends after breaking up. The two of you may realize that you’re better off as friends than in a romantic relationship.

Importance of setting boundaries with an ex when in a new relationship

Going through a breakup is a crucial period for setting boundaries. When you learn how to set limits in a way that preserves your emotional health, you can start moving forward. Here’s why it’s important to create new boundaries.

Allows You To Start Healing

Seeing each other within a similar setting can cause old emotions to resurface. We’re not saying to have no contact whatsoever, but boundary setting gives you the space to focus on your well-being without facing reminders of a previous relationship.

Gives Closure

Setting healthy boundaries sends a clear message that the relationship is over. It also allows everyone to be on the same page regarding your break up. Plus, it’s an opportunity to leave the past behind and start a new chapter of your life.

Prevents Mixed Signals

Failing to set boundaries could lead to mixed signals and more hurt feelings. Even if one of you gains false hope, it’s harder for both people to move on. Having boundaries can prevent misunderstandings and ensure a smooth transition.

Promotes Personal Growth

A breakup can have a devastating toll on your self-esteem. By establishing healthy boundaries, you have the space to focus on your personal goals, create a new routine, and rediscover passions and hobbies. This process can foster independence and self-confidence, but only if you’re stuck in the past.

Helps Set Ground Rules

Even if you’ll be seeing each other in a different context, you need boundaries to set ground rules for your relationship. This can include when it’s acceptable for them to contact you, as well as working on a parenting plan based on your children’s needs.

How do you set friendship boundaries with an ex?

Even if you’re ready to set boundaries in order to be friends with an ex, this process requires certain prerequisites. These can include the following:

Dealing with any residual feelings

After breaking up, you likely have residual feelings about your ex. Whether it’s anger or pain, you need to address them before you start seeing them in a social capacity. Otherwise, you risk expressing these feelings later on, which can hinder the healing process.

Defining what ‘friendship’ means

Next, you need to ask yourself what you really mean by ‘friendship.’ Being friends with your ex isn’t the same as being friends with other people. Even if you have good intentions, it can lead to misunderstandings without proper rules.

So, it’s best to define the norms of your relationship. When are they allowed to contact you? Will you meet each other in a social capacity, or is it limited to saying hi when you see each other at the grocery store?

Getting closure

Have you accepted that the relationship has ended? Are you at peace with the fact that you and your ex are no longer together? If you’re ruminating about what happened and obsessing over your ex, it shows that you haven’t found closure. In that case, it’s best to have an honest discussion with them so you can come to terms with your breakup.

Healthy boundaries when staying friends with an ex

Once you’ve understood the importance of setting boundaries with your ex, you can work on defining such boundaries. Here are some examples of putting them into action:

Don’t talk to them about the past

What happened in the past should stay in the past. But when you try to relive past experiences, it affects your chances of being friends. Even if you enjoy reminiscing the past, it may not be the same for them. Trying to talk about the past with your ex can only lead to bitterness, resentment, and arguments.

If you feel nostalgic about your previous relationship, you should re-evaluate why you want to be friends with your ex. Do you genuinely want to be a friend to them? Or are you hoping to get back together?

Meet them with a group

Any friendship with your ex should be strictly platonic. This means you should keep a distance, refrain from making suggestive comments, and avoid complimenting them on their appearance. Despite your best intentions, it’s easy to fall back on old habits, especially considering your ex is someone you once knew intimately.

To avoid any awkward interactions, consider meeting them when you’re in a group or as part of another activity. For instance, if you and your ex are co-workers, consider seeing each other with other members of your department or mutual friends.

Don’t talk about them on social media

If you have something to say, it’s never a good idea to publish it on your social media accounts instead of saying it in person. This especially applies to an ex, since friends and family members will be able to tell who you’re referring to and may misinterpret your posts.

It can also affect your relationship with your ex. If they see that you’ve posted about them, it’s harder to be friends since they won’t trust you to tell them things in person.

Don’t compare your previous relationships

When you still have feelings for your ex, it’s easy to compare that experience to future relationships. Perhaps you feel like all those years were a waste of your time. Or, you may find your new relationship less exciting.

However, just as each person differs from the next, the relationship with your current partner won’t be the same as the last. To enjoy a healthy relationship with your new partner, you need to accept and heal from your previous experiences.

Respect their privacy (and ask that they respect yours)

Part of setting boundaries is respecting each other’s privacy. Once you break up, you have no right to know about who they’re seeing or what’s happening in their life. Similarly, if your ex asks whether or not you’re seeing someone, you should ask that they respect your privacy.

Respect each other’s new partners

While it’s best to stay out of each other’s love life, as friends, you’re bound to see each other after you’ve entered new relationships. When that happens, you must respect their new partner and accept that they’ve moved on.

Don’t contact each other unless needed

Even if your ex was once your best friend, you need to set new boundaries after you’ve been in a relationship. It’s important to keep things casual and avoid contacting them unnecessarily. If you’re co-parenting, set some rules on when they can contact you, and why. The most important thing is to find common ground, like only calling if it’s about the kids.

Throw out your ex’s possessions

When you set healthy boundaries, it doesn’t just involve monitoring your interactions with your ex. It also involves setting emotional boundaries for your mental health. So, if you have any of their possessions at your home, return them (if they’re expensive) or throw them away.

Don’t give unsolicited relationship advice

Remember, it’s impossible to keep your emotions to the side when you’re discussing your ex’s new relationship. Even if you intend to be friends with your ex, don’t give unsolicited love advice unless they ask you.

Boundaries and co-parenting

If you and your ex have kids together, any healthy boundaries you establish should cover interactions involving your children.

Keep a separate email address for parenting matters

As parents, your children should be your top priority. That means putting negative feelings aside and being open to contact if it’s regarding your children’s well-being. You can try setting boundaries like not calling or texting each other unless it’s an emergency involving the children. If they want to discuss anything else regarding the kids, you can provide a separate email.

Put all communication in writing

After breaking up, your relationship with your co-parent differs from your past relationship. This means you need to follow specific guidelines regarding contacting the other person. Any communication, as well as the means of contacting each other, should be put in writing. Have they agreed to take the kids to their dentist appointment? Write it down. Have you informed them about your child’s piano recital? Write it down. This helps you maintain a record of what was agreed upon, preventing further arguments.

Have a consistent parenting plan

When you set boundaries with an ex, it requires limiting unnecessary contact. And if you’re co-parenting, this means sticking to a schedule so you’re not constantly reminding each other. A good parenting plan prioritizes the children’s well-being over the parents’ feelings about each other and volatile emotions.

Therefore, it allows each parent to spend time with the children and details each parent’s responsibilities. For instance, when they need to be picked up for school, which days they have soccer practice, etc.