Have you ever found yourself talking to your partner and waiting for them to show an emotional reaction? Does it feel like they’re too calm? The term ‘nonchalant’ is used to describe a casual demeanour and carefree attitude; someone who seems cool. But what does nonchalant mean in a relationship? In a context that calls for attachment and connection, having a nonchalant attitude could lead to issues. In fact, according to a report by The Austin Institute, one of the most commonly cited reasons for divorce involves having an ‘unresponsive spouse.’ Because this is a common factor impacting relationships, it’s worth exploring what nonchalant behaviour looks like, how it’s linked to emotional unavailability, and what you can do to start building a healthy relationship. Preferably, it’s best to start with a definition of nonchalance.
There are different meanings for the term ‘nonchalant,’ but the most common definition is to behave in a calm manner without getting worried. Typically, a nonchalant person appears relaxed and doesn’t show enthusiasm, anxiety, or similar responses.This is not necessarily emotional abuse, but it is rooted in coping mechanisms and difficulty understanding self, if you are in this position, relationship coaching could help.
How A Nonchalant Attitude Can Affect Your Relationship
When a person has a disinterested and indifferent attitude towards their partner, it has a negative effect on emotional connection and trust in the relationship. If you try expressing your opinion, only to be dismissed by your partner, you’re bound to feel rejected and undervalued. And that’s just one example of such behaviour. Nonchalant behaviour takes many forms like not listening to one’s partner, repeatedly canceling plans, and showing little interest in each others’ interests or hobbies.
Is My Partner a Nonchalant Person?
In a relationship, nonchalant behaviour means that the person shows a lack of worry or concern. Even if issues do come up, they take them in stride as if they’re no big deal. While remaining calm in stressful situations is a good thing when one partner experiences emotions more intensely, it can have negative effects, too. This is especially the case if someone is nonchalant about their partner’s troubles or pain, which can make them seem hurtful and inconsiderate.
Although such behaviour isn’t permanent, it can be disrespectful to show it consistently over the course of the relationship. If you’re worried that you may be dealing with a nonchalant partner, here are some of the signs to look for:
They Don’t React Emotionally
One of the first things you’ll notice is how they don’t show an emotional reaction to what you say. Whether it’s good news, bad news, or an interesting bit of gossip, they don’t show excitement, anxiety, or interest. And it’s not just you; they just don’t react to positive or negative events around them to the same extent as you. This can lead to poor emotional connection and make it unpleasant to share any new occurrences or events that take place in your life. This makes it very difficult to understand your partner’s thoughts and communicate effectively.
Their Tone is Unexpressive
Even if they do speak, their nonchalant mindset affects their ability to express emotions. Because of this, they have a monotone voice and show fewer facial expressions. The same goes for their body language, which may appear cold and aloof. If you think your partner is nonchalant in a relationship, it may seem as though they have a wall around them.
They’re Not Motivated Easily
There’s a downside to having a partner who can remain calm no matter what: they’re hard to motivate. Because they’re not easily affected by emotions or external stimuli, it’s difficult to understand the other partner’s thoughts and what motivates them. Consequently, you’ll have a harder time convincing them to enjoy new experiences with you and spend more time together.
They Rarely Show Enthusiasm
If you’re the more excitable partner who enjoys the little things in life, it can be frustrating when the other partner rarely shows enthusiasm. Of course, keep in mind that acting nonchalant isn’t the same as being indifferent to one’s partner and their emotions. Perhaps your partner is behaving nonchalantly because they’re not used to expressing their own emotions. Or, their lukewarm responses are just an aspect of their personality. Regardless, you can’t tell unless you break down common communication barriers.
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Is Nonchalant Behaviour The Same As Emotional Unavailability?
If you take a deep look at such behaviour, what is it that makes being nonchalant bad? Sure, they don’t jump with excitement when you tell them good news, but is that the only thing getting in the way of a fulfilling relationship? No, what worries you is that their nonchalant attitude is more than a personality trait and a sign of being emotionally unavailable.
While the two seem similar, they’re not the same. Someone who is emotionally unavailable may act nonchalant, but if someone behaves nonchalantly, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not emotionally available. So, what is it? Emotional unavailability refers to when a person can open up, be vulnerable, or connect with others on an emotional level. It can manifest as aloofness, coldness, or even a lack of empathy.
What Causes It
But why are some people this way? Mental health specialists can trace emotional unavailability to various causes. Perhaps the most reasonable explanation is that it’s a defense mechanism that occurs due to fears around being vulnerable. Similarly, it could be a pattern they learned during childhood to deal with disappointment or traumatic events. Or, it could be the result of extreme stress.
Even though these causes are valid, emotional unavailability can have a lasting impact on relationships with friends and partners. Not only does it cause feelings of isolation and loneliness, but it impacts self-esteem as well. It’s important to take personal responsibility for one’s differences and make a change.
Signs of Emotional Unavailability
The most prominent marker of healthy relationships is to have open communication and resolve conflicts while maintaining a strong bond. When this is the case, dating a person who doesn’t open up to you can make you feel rejected. If you’re worried that your partner falls in this category, here are a few signs of emotional unavailability to look for.
Uncomfortable With Emotions
When you express your feelings, an emotionally unavailable partner doesn’t show support and has even less concern for your emotions. If they become withdrawn, uncomfortable, or put off by any conversation where you open up to them, it indicates that they can’t handle intense emotion. This can lead to further issues down the line, like an inability to resolve conflicts and ignoring relationship problems instead of facing them.
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Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Being in a happy relationship means more than just physical intimacy. It involves talking openly and building effective conflict resolution skills. But when you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner, a common sign is that they don’t show how they feel.
Despite you providing them with a safe space to have sensitive discussions, they can’t seem to let their guard down and say what’s on their mind. They may behave in a similar way when it comes to discussing their past. For instance, when you ask questions about a previous relationship or early family life, they may respond with a vague answer or change the subject.
Not Being Around When You Need Them
Ever feel like you can never reach them when you need them the most? If it happens often, it’s not a coincidence. Besides appearing aloof, an emotionally unavailable partner may try to keep their distance. Common examples include not picking up calls and not having the time to meet you.
Of course, it’s important to consider the context of the situation, too. Has this been happening since you started dating, or after a more recent situation? If they have prior commitments or work long hours, effective communication can address misunderstandings and help both partners embrace each other’s differences.
Joking Instead of Expressing Emotions
As mentioned above, emotionally unavailable people have trouble dealing with their emotions. Instead of feeling angry, scared, or disappointed, they make a joke or sarcastic remark. By joking about the situation or telling the other person to ‘not get emotional,’ a nonchalant partner controls the discussion and avoids having to process their feelings.
Sending Mixed Signals
When someone isn’t emotionally available for their partner, it’s common for them to send mixed signals. For instance, they may express a need to be emotionally close to you, but they won’t put in the effort to connect with you. On the contrary, they pull away and try to distance themselves when they experience some form of emotional intimacy.
Developing a Healthy Relationship
Having covered the different aspects of what it means to be in a relationship with a nonchalant person, it’s time to look at how you can change things. It’s not enough to feel upset and angry over their nonchalant behaviour; you need to tell them how it’s affecting your self esteem and well-being. After all, they can’t read your mind. So, here’s what you should do:
Communicate How They Make You Feel
For starters, you should talk to them about your feelings. Stay calm and express yourself clearly to explain how their nonchalant attitude impacts you. It’s possible that they’re not aware of the effects of their behaviour. Sitting down with them and having a discussion will help you avoid future resentment and allow your partner to start taking responsibility. Not to mention, it’s the first step towards meaningful change.
Understand Their Perspective
Once you’ve said your piece, let them speak. Their nonchalant attitude may stem from past experiences and relationships. Similarly, they may feel insecure or need some time to become comfortable with emotional intimacy.
Sure, you’ll still feel hurt, but knowing the cause can help you remember that their calm demeanor isn’t indicative of your worth as a partner or how they feel for you. By empathising with them, you can find some common ground and start working on ways to communicate effectively.
See a Relationship Counsellor
Sometimes, all it takes is clear communication to work out the problems associated with dating or marrying a nonchalant person. However, other cases call for professional help, which is why some couples may see a relationship counselor to discuss their communication barriers and work on conflict resolution.
Working with a skilled practitioner is an effective way to make sure that both partners are on the same page. During sessions, you’ll work towards your relationship goals and practice techniques designed to enhance communication, like active listening, empathy, and boundary-setting.
Try to Build a Connection
Perhaps the most crucial piece of advice to address a partner’s nonchalant attitude is to build a stronger connection. You can do this by appreciating each other, showing affection, and spending more time together. Doing so will encourage your partner to make an effort to maintain a healthy relationship. As you create a stronger bond, you’ll experience increased emotional intimacy.
Clear Communication For Maintaining Healthy Relationships
When dealing with a nonchalant person, it’s easy to forget about expressing your needs and expectations. How do you expect them to open up to you if you can’t do the same? It’s crucial to talk about what you need from them, whether it’s physical affection or emotional support. At the same time, you need to set realistic expectations and give your partner space in trying to meet those goals.
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Conclusion
To sum it up, being in a relationship with a nonchalant person can negatively affect your self esteem and deteriorate your respect for each other. Common signs include rarely showing enthusiasm, speaking with an inexpensive tone, and being difficult to motivate. Being nonchalant is also a sign of emotional unavailability, which is when someone is uncomfortable with expressing emotions and being vulnerable with others. To improve your relationship, it’s recommended that you communicate your expectations and how their behaviour affects you. Similarly, you should let them explain their perspective to understand why they behave in a nonchalant way. If needed, you can also consider seeing a counselor to work on your communication and relationship goals. The most important thing to remember, whether your partner’s nonchalance is due to a fear of being vulnerable or a part of their personality, is to build a connection by investing in the relationship and spending time together.
Certified Transformative Coach with 25 years of experience helping people live a better life.