Couple and Relationships Coaching with Jason Shiers
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Relationship coaching with a difference.
In our explorations here we help you see the source of happiness it is not a plaster on a bullet hole or a way to shoehorn your relationship into better communication, but a deeper seeing of a truth that you cannot unsee, a life changing experience that creates lasting peace and happiness within, that you get to share in your relationship
My name is Jason Shiers.
During our relationship coaching sessions, I will help you see the simple source of all disconnection, and how to start to have better communication and intimacy with your partner.
After this, we work with the present moment which creates a deeper connection with each other.
This has had profound effects on all relationships including my own. This way of looking at relationships opens our eyes and the potential of a greater level of intimacy than we ever thought possible before.
This is for people who really want to know themselves and their partner and are not afraid to look within for the answers.
Definition of relationship coaching
Relationship coaching is a process that helps you reconnect with your partner or end your relationship honourably. Whatever works for you both. It can work with just 1 partner coming to coaching or both, separately or together depending how bad things are. We just start where you are at, and go from there. Often we will work separately for a while then together. Relationship coaching brings you back together in a way that you can plan how to move forward from where you are at.
The benefits of relationship coaching
There are many benefits to Relationship coaching not limited to your relationship. Your own understanding of yourself has to change, and via that your understanding of others will change. Often a trauma response is showing up in the connection of two people and if you learn how to be with that it change the dynamics of the relationship. There are endless benefits, more clarity, better communication, improved sex life, more intimacy, better and more cooperative parenting and much more.
How relationship coaching works
Relationship coaching is like hiring a 3rd set of eyes on your relationship. Together we can create a great loving connection, or we can end a relationship gracefully.
This is obviously a decision you will have to make, but whichever one you chose I will help you create the outcome you want.
Like with all my life coaching, you may find this takes a different shape to what you think coaching is about, and my best advice is to remain open-minded to having a new experience, and not to judge the process.
The types of issues addressed in relationship coaching
Everyones experience desires, and type of relationship will be different based on a number of factors, how their childhood was, parents, influences such as religion, culture, societal influence and so much more, childhood adversity for example, present parents or not there are many things that all play out in adult life that were part of our upbringing. Some of the major issues can be:
When one partner struggles with something missing it is not uncommon that they will seek comfort, excitement and connection outside the relationship. This leaves one person hurting and the other person feeling guilt and shame often when it is discovered. In relationship coaching we look at each side of the experience without judgement and find a way to heal what caused the distance in the first place. We learn that judgement is not helpful if we want to progress.
What Causes Distance and Break ups
It is simpler than you think. Mostly it’s down to believing what you think about your partner, their actions or their lack of actions doesn’t fit in with your beliefs about how things ‘should’ be. This often leads to thinking one or some of the following:
- If only she/he would do more of
- If she/he would only see things this way
- I need her/him to work less and help me more
- I wish she/he would turn off their phone and be more present
- If only our relationship was like when we first met
- I wish she/he would stop doing that
- Or more variations of the same…
These thoughts often lead to feelings of distance, resentment, anger and frustration to a point where both partners live in their head constantly in a state of a judgement of each other. Now putting the ‘yes buts’ to one side does it makes sense that if you are thinking those things. You will feel that way Something to ponder.Trauma is also a huge one in relationships. Based on many issues from our childhood, how we grew up will influence and show up in our adult relationships.
Expectations are thoughts about how you think things ‘should’ be, in order to make you happy. Like in the examples above If only he/she would “insert behaviour here” then I would be happy.
Well if someone else is responsible for making you happy you’re in trouble! What I do know is that you have the capacity to make yourself happy, you were born with it.
Many of us spend a lifetime taking on other people’s values and beliefs about how somethings should be, we witness parents, stay together in misery, separate, argue and we make decisions about how relationships should be.
We get influenced by social media and influential people in our life’s and continue to build meaning into relationships.
The good and the bad:
You are the creator of your own happiness and your own well-being. So, what has to change is in you, no one else. No shiny object and no body shape, no behaviour or relationship can make you happy.
On the flipside of this, the great realisation is that if you can make you happy, you will never be reliant on someone else for your own happiness, and you cannot be affected by them (unless you choose to!) this does not mean that we accept the unacceptable in relationships, it meaans the the seeking of happiness in another is not there, just the presence and love between us.
Recognising your feelings
Often when I ask clients “How are you feeling?” they answer, “I think I am feeling…” Many people know the basics, anger, sadness, happiness, joy, but rarely they know the difference between shame and guilt, or empathy and compassion.
During the process of coaching, we will learn to recognise feelings instinctively and connect them with thoughts. So, It comes naturally to have a deep knowing what is going on within your own body.
The process of working with a relationship coach
It may be daunting the thought of sharing your inner most self, your moments of intimacy, infidelity, guilt and shame with a third person, there is no harsh rules that you have to, and you take it at your own pace. You will know when the time is right. We work through things as they come up, for some its healing and confronting of things that have been lurking for a lifetime, for others it is sad and freeing they get to move on. Either way it is a safe, supportive and productive experience.
Discover techniques for improving communication and conflict resolution
You will discover new ways of relating to each other, how to communicate, which ways your partner responds better, how you trigger each other and how conflict shows up for you both and the best ways to avoid that in your communication styles. This can great a great and lasting intimacy between you.
The frequency of sessions
Sessions can work one of a few ways, we can work through things weekly with each partner having a session separately at first, until we are ready to come back together, or we can work together if you have a deeper understanding of yourselves to start with. We would need to assess this at the start. Sometimes couples come for an intensive this would be 1-2 days together where we get everything worked out in that space.
The goals of relationship coaching
It may seem obvious but peoples goals do and can change. Often people come to work things out but end up going their separate ways, or often they come wanting to end relationships and work out what is best for the children but then realise beyond the heart ache there is a deep love, that can be reconnected.
Resolve conflicts more effectively
You will be able to resolve conflicts easier, understand each other more and listen better, this is an essential part of the relationship coaching process, when you understand yourself better you will naturally understand your partner more.
Enhance intimacy and connection
Your intimacy and connection will naturally evolve as a side effect of your understanding deepening. Intimacy is where you get seen, and heard and connection forms, you get to feel the connection deepening between you again.
Gain a fresh perspective on your relationship
When couples come to relationship coaching they often have a limited perspective on their situation. It is really difficult to see another perspective when you are caught up in your head, in your angry or frustrated feelings, when your partner is not behaving in a way you think they should.
How is connection and Intimacy Created
Often couples say “we need to communicate better” and as George Pransky says in The Relationship Handbook, “It’s a good thing your communication is poor, just think how terrible you’d feel if you could get your ill feelings across to each other”
Connection and Disconnection is just an illusion, it is a manifestation of thought We are all connected and only separated by thought. Intimacy is our natural state when we are not consumed by our thoughts.
When we are together with our partner we’re not judging or applying meaning to thoughts love flows through us, we can have deep compassion, and listen with curiosity and experience intimacy.
Lasting change rather than a temporary patch up
Once you have had the above realisations, it is impossible to forget. This will change your relationships with children, work, parents and family also. You cannot forget, this approach isn’t a tip or trick, it doesn’t require you getting into state.
Love is the answer to everything
When the ill feelings you have created a pass, and you’ve centred yourself in being of value to your partner things will flow more freely, you will feel more connected and happier in general.
What our clients are saying right now
Frequently Asked Questions
Anyone can come to relationship coaching it does not have to be a romantic relationship but it is often that way. Both partners can benefit from it, even if only one partner wants to come to coaching. This can only enhance your life and your connection with each other.
We learn about each other in a safe environment, there maybe tears, sadness, disconnection but we get to see it from a safe space, and be with what us, the present moment teaches us everything. When we get seen, relationship struggles can heal and we can find a new way to connect.
I would not overly focus on qualifications, because it is really about the space that is created, you can trust your instincts more than a piece of paper. I have never once in 20 years been asked to show them, but I am a certified psychotherapist and a certified transformative coach, certified NLP Practitioner and counsellor.
Search google, ask for recommendations, read peoples websites, see what they write about see if it resonates for you, you will easily find someone that way.
The costs can range anywhere from £995 upwards, it really depends what you want and what your financial budget is. We can discuss this over a call if it is a deciding factor.
Always follow your instincts, maybe you feel the relationship with the coach is off trust that. Maybe one partner does not believe in coaching, that can be a challenge to work out between you also, we are happy to help where we can.
Make calls, speak to people, be open and follow what feels right, and also who offers a package that suits your needs, it should not be that complicated but it maybe take a few conversations for you to feel out what is right for you.