What is Relationship Coaching?
Relationship coaching is like hiring a 3rd set of eyes on your relationship. Together we can create a great loving connection, or we can end a relationship gracefully. This is obviously a decision you will have to make, but whichever one you chose I will help you create the outcome you want. Like with all my life coaching, you may find this takes a different shape to what you think coaching is about, and my best advice is to remain open-minded to having a new experience, and not to judge the process.
If you want to start committing to yourself –
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What causes distance and breakups in relationships?
It is simpler than you think. Mostly it’s down to believing what you think about your partner, their actions or their lack of actions doesn’t fit in with your beliefs about how things ‘should’ be. This often leads to thinking one or some of the following:
- If only she/he would do more of
- If she/he would only see things this way
- I need her/him to work less and help me more
- I wish she/he would turn off their phone and be more present
- If only our relationship was like when we first met
- I wish she/he would stop doing that
- Or more variations of…
These thoughts often lead to feelings of distance, resentment, anger and frustration to a point where both partners live in their head constantly in a state of a judgement of each other. Now putting the ‘yes buts’ to one side does it makes sense that if you are thinking those things. You will feel that way Something to ponder.
Wouldn’t it be great if:
- You had more loving feelings towards your partner
- You could understand & see each other’s point of view
- You could experience more intimacy and closeness
- You could Spend more time doing fun things
- You felt happier and at peace with your relationship
If what I stated above is true for you – that your feelings make sense based on your thinking about your partner, would it not also make sense that if you thought about them differently, your feelings would be different?
So, a good question is, what needs to change?
Expectations – the creator of misery and resentment
Expectations are thoughts about how you think things ‘should’ be, in order to make you happy. Like in the examples above If only he/she would “insert behaviour here” then I would be happy.
Well if someone else is responsible for making you happy you’re in trouble! What I do know is that you have the capacity to make yourself happy, you were born with it.
Many of us spend a lifetime taking on other people’s values and beliefs about how somethings should be, we witness parents, stay together in misery, separate, argue and we make decisions about how relationships should be. We get influenced by social media and influential people in our life’s and continue to build meaning into relationships.
The good and the bad:
You are the creator of your own happiness and your own well-being. So, what has to change is you, no one else. No shiny object and no body shape, no behaviour or relationship can make you happy.
On the flipside of this, the great realisation is that if you can make you happy, you will never be reliant on someone else for your own happiness, and you cannot be affected by them (unless you choose to!)
When you understand where your partner is – you show up as a different person
How to recognise your feelings
Often when I ask clients “How are you feeling?” they answer, “I think I am feeling…” Many people know the basics, anger, sadness, happiness, joy, but rarely they know the difference between shame and guilt, or empathy and compassion. During the process of coaching, we will learn to recognise feelings instinctively and connect them with thoughts. So, It comes naturally to have a deep knowing what is going on within your own body.
Perspective – how to see more than just one!
When couples come to relationship coaching they often have a limited perspective on their situation. It is really difficult to see another perspective when you are caught up in your head, in your angry or frustrated feelings, when your partner is not behaving in a way you think they should. You will never really see or feel compassion for them.
So where does different perspective come from? Once you realise that you are living in the feeling of your thinking, there is often a great relief from anger, frustration, resentment and bitterness. When I say ‘realise’ I mean REALISE! I mean a deep understanding, a feeling of OH! That’s what you mean, not a ‘yeah I get that but’.
However, keep in mind that when you are in a neutral state, realising that you are the creator of your own happiness, you will have the ability to be curious and kind, to inquire about your partner’s needs and stay present, and to be compassionate towards them. Realising that we’re all human we will often get caught up in life. Often its great to laugh at how we get caught up in thought and then realise “it’s just a thought”
How is connection & Intimacy created?
Often couples say “we need to communicate better” and as George Pransky says in The Relationship Handbook, “It’s a good thing your communication is poor, just think how terrible you’d feel if you could get your ill feelings across to each other”
Connection and Disconnection is just an illusion, it is a manifestation of thought We are all connected and only separated by thought. Intimacy is our natural state when we are not consumed by our thoughts. When we are together with our partner we’re not judging or applying meaning to thoughts love flows through us, we can have deep compassion, and listen with curiosity and experience intimacy.
Lasting Change rather than a temporary patch up
Once you have had the above realisations, it is impossible to forget. This will change your relationships with children, work, parents and family also. You cannot forget, this approach isn’t a tip or trick, it doesn’t require you getting into state.
Love is the answer to everything
When the ill feelings you have created a pass, and you’ve centred yourself in being of value to your partner things will flow more freely, you will feel more connected and happier in general.